1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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