found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
