You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
