we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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