I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
