when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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