Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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