Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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