i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
