Welp...herpes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
