Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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