i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
BRING THE BAGELS
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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