Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
