Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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