my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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