I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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