i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
