I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
