You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
