At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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