Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
