I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
