i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
