Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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