I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
