Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i think i just lost a toe
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
