you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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