i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
