Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is Oprah even human
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
