this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
