Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
