And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
