he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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