i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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