Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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