chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
