How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
