The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
