it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
