she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
