remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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