So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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