i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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