Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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