OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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