Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
