I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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