the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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