Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
