Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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