Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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