so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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