We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
