I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
