This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
ttyl tear gas
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
