I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
